Observer’s Log Stardate 2014.10 Survival Guide to Gamestores



Fog billows from darkened alleys, and a distant owl calls out forlornly. The full moon hangs in the gloomy sky as clouds race by. There in the distance a light flickers to life, the warmth of the fluorescent lamps beckoning you in from the terror filled streets. The hinges creak and groan as you pull the door open, your senses assaulted by the scent of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. What is this place? What are the mysterious tomes that line the shelves?  The inhabitants so much the same and yet so different. The language they speak is it some ancient tongue of another world? How can you communicate with them? Even more importantly do you dare even try?

Fear not fair travelers you have not stumbled into some 6th dimension. You have found yourself in the lair of the gamer. To aid in your survival in this den of mystery and in the spirit of All Hallows Eve this guide will take you through some of the denizens you might stumble across in your explorations. Herein find a quick rundown of the inhabitants and how to come away from an encounter unscathed. Such creatures as the feared Temus Vampiricus or the Noticus Quitus-Deadicus, or the most dreaded of all creatures the Plagus Spreadicus Wildfiris. We shall start with the least dangerous of the gamer spectrum and go from there.

          Lousi Lookous (Looky Lou): These benign creatures are spectral wanderers in the land of games. They drift from aisle to aisle, only the occasional mournful howl escaping their lips. Many of these souls are content to wander peacefully enjoying the sights and sounds about them. Others take a more mischievous bent and fall into a sub-genus all their own of Poltrygitis Shifteratis, or in laymen’s terms Shifting Poltergeist. While still harmless the passage of one of these creatures is marked only by the shifting of objects on shelves. Fun pranksters that they are, Poltrygitis revel in moving boxes from one place to another or flipping them to nonsensical angles. Many sites are haunted by their own resident Poltrygitis.

          Noticus Quitus-Deadicus (Not Quite Dead): These creatures, poor souls that they are, can be easily spotted. Make note of the shuffling feet, the vacant expression as it stares listlessly at the small glowing screen, the incomprehensible grunting form of communication. While completely harmless, Noticus can be somewhat unaware of their surroundings. In fact, from our extensive study, they are completely unaware of their surroundings so while there is never any direct confrontation with one of this species, there can occasionally be indirect damage, as a result of the stumbling over and bumping into objects in their vicinity. All communication attempts with this group have failed.

          Tempus Vampiricus (Time Vampires): While not dangerous physically, an encounter with a Tempus Vampiricus can leave you feeling drained, as if you have lost hours of your life. They are typically a well-intentioned species but their internal clock runs at a much slower rate than that of a typical human. That said a simple conversation of “Hi, how are you?” can quickly turn into a three hour dissertation on the pragmatics of earthly conversational skills. This is a species to be approached with caution as they feed off the mental energies of those they engage. Communication with this group has been successful. The researcher needed a few days of bed rest to recover fully from their encounter.

          Klingi faciem huggerius (Clinging Facehugger): This overeager bunch, while not directly dangerous can be hard to distinguish from the Tempus Vampiricus at first contact. It was only through extended study and interaction that this group was discovered to be in fact its own species. Much like the Tempus Vampiricus, the Klingi can and will, if given the opportunity speak at length about a wide variety of topics and interests… usually yours. After a short period of time in contact with one of this species you might find them arranging for your every need and desire. While this might be beneficial at first, for the Klingi it can quickly become increasingly detrimental. Klingi have been known to form a dependency upon their host human. Be kind to your Klingi and help them to thrive, this can be a wonderful symbiotic relationship if neither side starts to dominate the situation. Communication is not only possible but encouraged.* Klingi can be a wonderful translator in the world of gamers. In their efforts to please they pick up many of the different dialects and can act as a peace broker for a new comer.

          Borgi Assimilatus (Borg): One might think this group to be related to technological devices. They are not however. Borgi can be spotted quite easily by the small pieces of painted paperboard they covet above all else. Named for the intergalactic threat that terrorizes the Star Trek universe, the Borgi of our world will try to assimilate you into their collective. They are a highly organized group due to their hive mind and secret paper based language. While it might be tempting to try and learn more about them by blending in amongst their numbers, this is highly inadvisable. More than a few of our researchers were lost to assimilation in their attempt to gather data for us. Communication is possible but the danger outweighs the benefits.

          Plagus Spreadicus Wildfiris (Plague Spreader): This is by far the most dangerous of the groups discovered thus far. Thankfully, Plagus are easily detected. Their crimson, goo dripping noses and an ongoing string of mucus laden snorts warning off all would be predators of their virulent nature. While once peaceful members of other species, they, at one point or another came in contact with another member of the Plagus, thus beginning their transformation. The original source of the Plagus is still a mystery. If you encounter one of these creatures it is only a matter of time before you will join their shambling ranks. Quarantine is the only possible way to stop the spread of this species.

*One note of caution on the Klingi Faciem Huggerous, they have been noted to swarm on occasion. Should you notice more than one Klingi in an area proceed with caution and keep at a safe distance. Make sure to not engage in eye contact with any other Klingi as it has been known to enrage un-hosted Klingi. An entire population of Klingi was found decimated after a fight broke out over a single host.


As you exit back out into the streets, safe from your game store wandering and the gates swinging silently shut behind you, be safe in the knowledge that we have only just begun to discover the strange and mystical creatures that dwell within the brick and mortar walls of the game store. Check back periodically as we uncover more of their mysteries and delve deeper into the secrets of the gamer genus. Who knows what mysterious creatures still await discovery?

Remember life’s a game, have fun with it.

And as always if you would like to keep up with some of my other musings you can follow me on:

Twitter: @czahnzinger




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